Holding my breath

Have you ever had that feeling like you're going through life holding your breath and all you want to do is to just let go ? 

I've been feeling like that lately. When I feel like the water works are coming I hold my breath until the feeling goes away. When I feel like I'm going to explode with anger I hold my breath. 

I'm always told that I am a strong woman, to be strong, to suck it up. That is what I do and that is what I will continue to do but there are times that I don't want to be strong. I want someone to lean on and be strong for me. For just a while a minute, an hour or a day. Just a little while. Then I will be strong again.  

I just want to let the breath I'm holding go.

I'm such a girl !

I like cars maybe a bit more than the average woman. I appreciate driving a car made for performance and love the feeling. I own such a car though an entry level one. I did not buy the car because of its make but because of how it drove. However I'm not an expert and I'm only familiar with the average car ie. cars that are somewhat in my price range. I do not know anything about cars that cost more than a semi detached house in KL and I do not watch the F1.

Yesterday I was at a mall that was exhibiting such cars. This is a conversation between Ms L and myself while looking at one of these cars.

Me : oh what a beautiful colour on a car it's so red. I think it would look really nice on my car don't you think ?

Ms L : yea I love it so red and shiny

Me : eh what car is it ah ? Don't recognise the badge.

Ms L : it's a McLaren lah

Me : how do you know ?

Ms L : cos it's written on the back lah !

Me : Duh ....

Point of the story I'm such a girl that I don't even know what a McLaren looks like and wasn't even impressed by the looks & design. I was instead being a typical girl and was fascinated by the colour!

How I'd like to be known

How people describe me when I'm not there is something that's important to me. It's not that I want to be described as beautiful, or wealthy or classy or even clever. Instead I'd like to be known as being the one with a kind heart. I want to be known as being helpful and caring. I want to be known as someone that makes people happy. 

Is there such thing as happily ever after ?

I often question this, is there really a happily ever after and has anyone found it ? As a child I like many other little girls was introduced to fairy tales. In fact one of the first things that I could remember was Snow White. My parents being quite progressive way back then decided that they would read to me every night before bed. These were of course damsels and princess in trouble that were saved by the forever charming princes and then continued their lives happily ever after.

Was I conditioned as a child to find my happily ever after ? Was I told at an early age that my life would not be complete without my own Prince Charming ? In my case it was thought he was a keeper but he turned into a creeper :D

Society especially those in Asia still thinks that a woman must settled down, get married and have babies. Try being a single woman at weddings. Relatives always assume your business is their business and will always mercilessly question a single woman when will it be their turn ? When are we going to attend your wedding they ask. It is always the single woman who has never married that is targeted. Thank God divorced women are not. It's not as if they plan to play matchmaker, at least in my family anyway.

So can a single woman find happiness without a man ? For sure she can. You don't need a man to make you happy ladies but if you have a good man that's a bonus 😀.

A Little Bit of Heaven

Today I watched a movie on Astro, it was A Little Bit of Heaven. Ms D went on about it on Friday night said I had to watch it. I asked what was it about, she said it was about people you grow old with. Ms D said she cried so much while watching it that her eyes puffed up. Well me being such a sucker for sob movies searched for the repeat and recorded it to watch later.

So that was what I did this evening, watch the damn movie and cried I did buckets full ! Generally the movie was about Kate Hudson's character a woman who was successful in her career had a small circle of very good friends but had not found love. To cut the story short she got cancer, fell in love with her doctor and then consequently died.

The movie somehow struck a chord with the three of us. For me it wasn't about her finding love or how she was positive about everything and accepting death but it was about friendship. I found love, I lost love and maybe I will find it again, I don't know. It's not that, it's about finding and having people that you want to grow old with. That close circle of people that you can depend on, that makes you happy, don't judge you and with who you can be yourself.

I've always had that, the small circle of friends that at one point in time were the people you want to grow old with. As I age the members of that circle changed as my path in life turned a different corner. Some will remain, some will be lost, some will be added and some will just become acquaintances. I had a friend who I became friends with at the age of eighteen and who three years ago decided she no longer wanted to be my friend for some reason that I thought was not really right. On the flip side I also have a dear friend who was my room mate in boarding school and have known since we were thirteen and we share the same name ! She lives on the other side of the world and yet we communicate nearly everyday.

Husbands come and go, boyfriends come and go but true friends will stay and that to me is what A Little Bit of Heaven is, friendship :)

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

- William Ernest Henley

Hello 2013

New year, new life, new blog, new possibilities.

I've decided that enough is enough and the time has come for me to really move on. No more regrets, no more anger, no more bitterness and no more hatred. It's time to let go slowly but surely.

It's also time to care less about people who don't really matter and to cherish those who do. Life is short be as happy as you can. It's not about wandering what could have been but to start living as how you want to live.

Be kind to people, treat everyone as you want to be treated. Appreciate the simple things and find beauty in the ordinary.

Most of all love, for surely love is what makes the world go round.